


Against the Clock

by ampalayeah



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Drama, Eren is a douche, Explicit Language, F/M, Friendship, Introspection, Manga Spoilers, Romance, Sort Of, i still love him tho poor thing, i'm totally new to these tags, my take on chapter 112, set after chapter 112
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 08:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18988900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ampalayeah/pseuds/ampalayeah
Summary: "Hey," he greets unceremoniously, not even sure at this point what it is he wanted to accomplish. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he really just wanted to see her. She seemed to understand what was going on in his mind. She always knew. But timing's a bitch, and the circumstances were an even bigger bitch.or, when Eren comes to his senses, he thinks about her.





	Against the Clock

**Author's Note:**

> _100 Prompts: Timing_
> 
> I love petty Eren. Set shortly after Eren threw his little bitch fit in Marley lol.
> 
> I had originally written this EXACTLY a year ago, when all was still well, more or less. And here I am, heartbroken as ever once again lol, revisiting and flushing out some old fics. I enjoyed this particular one because it seems as though pouring my real life grievances onto these troubled kids makes for a story that fits in just well. With what's happened in the manga since I wrote this originally, I feel like it explains Eren's “I've always hated you” nonsense all while making feel validated in my sorrow haha. 
> 
> You can find the original fluffy version on my FanFiction account hehe. Anyway, enjoy!

The image of her looking up at him with a plethora of emotions painted on her face burned in his mind, long after they escaped the whole fiasco.

Every time he closed his eyes, he would see her own, bright as ever despite accepting that maybe that was it for them. She seemed genuinely fulfilled and content- elated, even- that she was spending what should have been her last moments, with him.

Like any normal human being trapped in the fight or flight response, Eren just sat there, frozen, as she delivered her speech. And consequently, long after the incident itself, his mind had saved the situation as an mp4 file for him to replay over and over again.

The sparkle in her eyes, the way she leaned towards him, beautiful as ever despite being so broken, it all haunted him in the year and a half that followed. He wondered if she could see right past his blank stare and perplexed gawking that day.

Did she know that he found her absolutely alluring, despite sitting in what was probably the worst situation in their lives? Did she know of the thoughts that ran through his head, too fast to catch? Did she feel the emotions engulfing him whole, as he so desperately wanted to reach out to her? Did she know that if she had indeed just closed the distance between them, he _would_ have kissed her back?

And it didn't exactly hit him until later on that that was her goodbye, that her whole speech thanking him had essentially confirmed her intent to die by his side. Through thick and thin indeed.

If that wasn't bad enough, the sound of her soft voice resonated in his mind, accompanying the imagery that distracted him so badly. It was the perfect concoction to drive him mad. He heard her voice, over and over again:

_"Thank you, Eren, thank you…"_

Not that he hated it. At all.

And if he was going to be completely honest with himself, he wasn't actually as annoyed as he made it seem. The thought of her was the only thing keeping him sane lately, if he could even be considered sane anymore, since it seemed like their days were numbered and their friendships were on thin ice. It was hard enough to trust anyone at this point, let alone let anybody be this close to him. Trust was being broken left and right, and it was getting increasingly difficult to believe that people who supported him were truly on his side. Loyalties were put in question everywhere he looked, and it didn’t help that even Armin was starting to lose the spark that fueled the young man’s attachment to him. It seemed as though every time he reached his hand out to save Eren, there was less and less light in his eyes. It felt like their friendship was an obligation at this point, and Armin was not having it anymore.

The world was looking darker and darker every day, but she seemed to be a small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel, seeing as he didn't even know what the end looks like anymore. Of all the people he was surrounded with, and all the anxieties that accompanied that, Mikasa’s trust and loyalty seemed to be the only solid given in his life at this point. Even after that unpleasant conversation.

It absolutely infuriated him to think that it took that much for him to see that.

That she had been there all along, that she was the only one who never let the fire inside of her for him die down. Who knows how she kept it burning, but she did it anyway, and it brought a pang of guilt into Eren’s heart to remember how much he tried to put it out himself.

And then came the knowledge of the Ackerman bloodline: their tendency to become extremely invested into one person to a point where separation would physically weaken them. There it was: the obligation. She wasn't tied to him because she cares, she was tied to him because she had to be. He saved her, right? Since they were nine, Eren was all Mikasa knew. And so years of her life were spent, dedicating herself to some reckless idiot while she could be off somewhere better, living her life as the heir to her clan. It absolutely aggravated him.

So naturally, he did what he did best and lashed out. The multiple voices in his head became one, and before he knew it, the words _"I've always hated you"_ left his crusty mouth.

In retrospect, Armin stepping up to deck him in the face was very just.

Could he blame himself though? It was getting increasingly difficult to differentiate which thoughts were his and which weren’t. It felt a lot like he was drowning these days, but in the small pockets of air that he was allowed, he really did think about _her_.

It made sense: why she always acted the way she did, now that he knows her true feelings for him. Although never quite outright said, "I love you," it seemed to resonate in him since _the incident_ , and he just understood what she meant. It surely did not excuse her erratic behavior in the past, or the irresponsible decisions she has made (really, she insisted, they were for his sake), but it definitely shed a new light on her motives.

Annoying as it was, Mikasa truly, against all odds, loved him. Now temporarily sober, he refused to believe that their friendship was just some cosmic bond.

Eren took a deep breath, overwhelmed by all these thoughts. It was only nine in the morning for fuck's sake, and he was already thrown into a spiraling depression from the confusion and internal conflict, especially from the one question that just seemed to linger:

How did he even feel about her in the first place?

Well, he hated her. That _is_ what he told her after all.

He hated the way she always trailed behind him like a shadow. He hated the way she always followed him no matter where he went. He hated how she thought she needed to protect him from everything that came his way, even and especially the choices he was making himself. And that he couldn’t change her mind about it.

He hated how she used to talk to him like he was her child, telling him to be careful and to stay behind her, like she had no regard for how much of a blow this was to his manhood and his self-inflated ego. He would call her out for nagging him, and in the most annoyed tone he could muster, tell her that he didn’t need another one of her lectures. And maybe only then, she’d be quiet.

He hated how when he did shut her up, a surge of unwanted guilt would overtake him. That stupid face she always made, when she pouted and nodded her head before keeping her mouth shut would drive him over the edge. She was only trying to help. It was a cycle; sometimes he felt a little trapped, and sometimes he knew she did too. It wasn’t the healthiest of relationships. The way their personalities clashed and their common one-track mindedness always tangled themselves into one another was definitely not something to dismiss lightly.

He hated how she was so damn strong. Mikasa Ackerman, top graduate of their class, one of humanity’s strongest, had so much potential to be humanity’s hope. She held in her hands immense power and strength, and anyone with eyes could see that she could do anything she set her mind to.

And yet, here she was: by his side, relying on him for her happiness. He knew, genuinely, that she had it in her to surpass them all, to achieve great things, and maybe even carry out his ambitions.

So why the fuck then, was she instead devoting all her energy to him? And why the fuck did it take him this long to push her away, to sever that connection so that she can reach her full potential? Was he really that selfish all this time?

He hated how she would always put herself in danger just for him. It’s like she had absolutely no regard for herself from the moment she met him, only staying alive so that she could take care of him.  She sacrificed way too much, and for what? To see him through? Eren didn’t even think he was worth shit some days; his drive was his goals, and sometimes the only reason he would keep going was to see those goals come to pass. It severely confused him to think that her drive was his future.

Especially when all signs were pointing to his future being cut short.

He hated how her love and affection only reminded him of his caring, loving mother. She definitely had that maternal instinct in her, and it probably was part of the reason the fire inside of her was able to burn so brightly despite the hardest of times. If he ever dared to admit it, even to himself, he appreciated the way that she embodied the only other source of comfort in his life, when he no longer had his mother around. Every way that he had rejected his mother’s care for him as a strong-willed, hard-headed little boy, he was able to redeem through caring for Mikasa instead as they grew up together.

He hated how he treated her, more than anything. He hated how for the longest time, he was only capable of snapping at her from force of habit. And how she would try not to be sad about it, but he knew. He hated how every time he shoved her and she fell back a few steps, she would look at him like a little girl who just got bullied by a much bigger kid.

There was a brief season in their lives, when light still shone clearly in his eyes, where they seemed closer than they had ever been in their late teen years. After their little episode with the smiling titan, Eren’s newfound gentleness had a huge impact on their relationship. For a while, he was happy despite the problems that surrounded them, and so was she. It was comforting, it was healthy, it felt right.

That is, until things went to shit _again_ , and their relationship hit yet another iceberg. When he would occasionally come to his senses, Eren would realize how awful he indeed has been to her, and it would cause a writhing pain in his gut that would be drowned out shortly after by the darkness that overcame him so frequently.

He hated how every time he tried to push her away for his and her sake, she would let him a little bit. Let the feelings simmer. Let the space between them grow enough to where he would inevitably come back, like a boomerang. How could he be angry at her if she dealt with him so correctly? They had come such a long way from when they started (when he was a hot headed idiot and she was so painfully codependent), and it seemed like it was only getting harder to push her away, even if he knew deep down it might be the right thing to do for both of them.

He hated the temptation of coming back to her even more. It was such a strong, compulsive urge to return to her, return to something familiar, return to his light. The gravity between them was nearly impossible to fight sometimes. It weighed him down, it kept him grounded, it kept him sane.

He hated how she would just do anything he said, and he truly realized this a while back, when he told her to cut off all her hair (again), just to see if she would. He found her later, her shoulder-length hair bunched up in one hand, holding scissors up to it. Eyes shut, grimacing with so much hesitation, and she only stopped when he took the scissors away from her.

In fact, he didn’t even have to tell her what to do, as she demonstrated a few days ago when the three of them had their talk. A small part of him that dwelled deep inside all the fucked up layers that he wore now was quite delighted when she defended him out of instinct. But then the voices told him to shut that down.

He hated how he loved her. He loved how he could always count on her presence to be by his side, especially when he felt so lost and detached from himself. He loved the way she would sit by him during meal times and kept him company (and protection, and comfort, and hope, but he would never tell her that to her face), until she didn’t anymore. When all hope was lost and he wasn’t even sure which way he was going, all she needed to do was be beside him, in comforting silence, as her presence was enough to slow his panic to a halt.

It made him wonder if she still felt the same.

He loved how he could always count on her. He loved how she was the only one who seemed to understand him, especially when everyone else was against him. Eren was the epitome of outgoing, extroverted, charming (more or less). Anyone who crossed paths with him was captivated by his ways, good or bad. But despite all this popularity and notoriety,  Mikasa was the only one who saw right through his clout-covered exterior. It was truly a gift from above to know that somebody knew who he truly was without having to explain himself, even and especially at his worst.

He wondered briefly if she saw right through him when he said the words that visibly tore her heart out of her chest.

He loved all the ways she was ingrained in his life.

He loved her.

It wasn't so much a hard pill to swallow, because really, it had been in his mouth for a while now anyway, dissolving, though the taste was a little bitter. It was just so strange to finally accept it. It felt like a huge weight he had been trying to lift from his shoulders was lifted on its own.

The only problem was that he knew the situation they were currently in. There was still so much to do, and they couldn't afford to be so emotionally invested in one person. Not to mention he was kind of a major douche to her a couple days ago and there was no way her friends would let him near her at this point. With the shitty way things were unfolding before them, it would only bring immense pain and suffering in the end. The war was not even close to being over.

Timing was a bitch, he thought; otherwise things might be different.

But following this realization came a wave of protectiveness and possessiveness for the girl, even though it flickered on and off. Especially after everything that has happened.

That light flickered on. He found himself in the corridors, two night later. His feet were dragging, but he had a purpose burning somewhere in his chest; he was hell bent on seeing it through before it disappeared once again when the light burns out.

The sight of his comrades grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him forcefully back into a time when things kind of made sense. He kept his facade though, as he had been for the last few months.

He sees Connie first and the look of disgust that accompanies the sight of Eren.

Connie gently taps Jean’s shoulder, tilting his head towards their visitor, “the fuck?”

Jean’s face hardens, and he pulls away from Armin to confront, except Eren wasn’t even looking at them.

He watched _her_ as a smile threatened at the corner of his mouth, a sensation he hadn’t felt in what seemed like an eternity. Mikasa sat in the corner, fiddling with the scarf on her lap that seemed to bring her more pain at this point. She only looked up when she felt the burning gaze on her bare neck.

“What the hell are you doing here, man?” he sneered, “Haven’t you done enough damage?”

Eren looked at him up and down, refusing to give him the satisfaction at first. Then he sneered, “so are you a guard dog now?”

Armin turns his head, a tired look in his eyes, “can you go find someone else to bother?”

“Nope,” he pops the ‘p’ for emphasis, and a coil in Jean snaps. He grabs the bar of the cell, and the clanging noise alerted everybody there. All eyes turned to them.

“Listen, asshole-” he growls, but Eren doesn’t even flinch. They both seem at loss for words, but there was definitely a fire there.

He came here for one purpose, and one purpose only. But as soon as he turned his attention away from her, the light suddenly flickered off once more. And as if on cue, the _object of his affection_ stood up, placed the scarf on the table, and padded over to them with Armin on her tail.

Mikasa sighs, her focus aimed at calming Jean down. She reaches out gently and placed his hand in both of hers. They all watched as the gesture puts out the fire, just like it had years ago the first time Jean and Eren fought.

Except this time, the tables were turned.

The sight makes Eren’s chest constrict and suddenly his heart is in his stomach. It becomes hard to breathe, as memories flood through his own mind. The pain was fleeting, but it was enough to make him feel human again for a split second, and he welcomed it. There was color again in his vision, until everything turned gray again.

“It’s…fine,” she says gently, and Jean just scoffs.

Eren’s nostrils flared, but nevertheless he maintained the facade as the boys relented. She nudges them behind her, as though to protect them from what’s coming next, but it never came.

Instead, he leans forward slowly, his forehead rested on his arm. His eyes look dead as ever, but there’s something there that she barely manages to catch. She shrinks backwards slightly, and his eyes flicker to Jean once more.

_‘Look away, man, she’s mine,’_ he seemed to say without actually saying it.

Jean rolls his eyes, prompting Connie and Armin to follow, and Eren looks way too satisfied with himself.

"Hey," he greets unceremoniously, not even sure at this point what it is he wanted to accomplish. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he really just wanted to see her.

Mikasa sighed; she had no tears left to cry, and no words left to say to him. Instead, she shakes her head apologetically and takes a step back to disengage. Had she broken eye contact any sooner, she probably wouldn’t have gotten the message. There was a pleading look in his half-lidded eyes.

She seemed to understand what was going on in his mind. She always knew. But timing's a bitch, and the circumstances were an even bigger bitch. But for the first time in a long time, maybe not to anyone else, but to her, his eyes seemed to speak volumes and told her everything that she needed to know for now.

It gave her a twinge of hope to hold onto, even if she didn’t want it.

Perhaps she just needed to endure a little longer. From her peripherals, she could see them calling her back, and she takes her leave. He knocks his fist gently against the bars as she breaks eye contact. The light flickers off again and his feet feel even heavier than before when he walks away.

Maybe the timing isn't right just yet, but he loved her, and she knew. And that was enough.


End file.
